The island nation of Runovia welcomes all visitors, and kindly requests they shut the gate on the way out.

Location: Sydney, New South Wales, Australia

Kinsley Castle is a writer, musician, and certifiable nutter from Sydney Australia.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Lordi Lord

The parliament building at number 13B Pothole Street is a hive of activity, as the president and his public servants go about the business of running the thriving economy of Runovia. Even in the dead of night, its hallowed halls bustle.

Minister for Everything, Filbert Fogg, entered the presidential office and stifled a yawn. "You called for me?"

"Yes, indeed. You weren't busy were you?"

"No, Mr President, just sleeping... I was enjoying quite a pleasant dream, as it happens. And then Alf came along and fetched me out of bed. And I had to get dressed and traipse all the way over here in the rain. So now I'm soaked through. But I came in all due haste, because I said to myself, 'My president wouldn't fetch me out of bed in the middle of the night for no good reason, would he?'"

"You weren't watching the Eurovision Song Contest then?"

Filbert Fogg looked around the room urgently and saw the television set sitting in the corner. "Oh no, sir. You didn't borrow Runovia's official television from the community centre again, did you? You know how all the little old ladies complain when they can't watch their game shows."

"Relax. They'll get it back before morning. But first, I video-taped something I want you to watch."

The president bustled Minister Fogg over to the lounge chair and played the video. And three minutes later, he said, "What do you make of that then?"

"I'd say that was a nasty car accident, and I hope those accident victims are receiving all the medical attention they require."

The president stamped his foot. "No, no, no! Those are not accident victims. That's a band called Lordi, and they're from Finland."

"You mean, they're actually meant to look like that?"

"Indeed. And what's more, they've just won the Eurovision Song Contest."

Minister Fogg raised a sceptical eyebrow. "Really sir? Is that what it takes to win Eurovision? I'm humbled, sir, I truly am."

The president got up from the lounge chair and started pacing his office. "My sentiments exactly Mr Fogg. If Finland can win Eurovision, why, anyone can! Tell me, minister, we have young people in Runovia, don't we? And I'm sure I saw young Kevin Spume carrying a guitar the other day. We should have our own entry in Eurovision next year."

"Really sir?"

"Absolutely. If we can win the Eurovision song contest in 2007 that will be a massive boost to our campaign to put Runovia on the map."

Filbert Fogg nodded thoughtfully. "Yes, I understand. But I see two immediate problems. The first is, of course, we are not technically in Europe."

"Oh, a minor detail. What's the second problem?"

"Well, it's just... our nation, great and good though it is, just isn't in the same league as Finland. We are not nearly so prosperous, populous, and wealthy."

"Ah," said the president. "I see what you mean."



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